MYSPACE: A Comprehensive Overview Into the Psyche of a Moron. Some know the website of myspace as a place to keep in touch with friends, but the majority of users utilize the website for mere social acceptance. It is the passive-aggressive pathway to attention. Most enjoy accessing the website as his or her personal ego-boost. Instant gratification is only a friend request away! Here I will translate the common idiot's motive behind each function of Myspace. BULLETINS: This is a place where morons post worthless happenings about their life. No one really reads them, and no one really cares about them. Some people get so carried away with this annoying feature of the website that they post one about every millisecond. This behavior screams, "I have no real friends, but I'll make myself look like I have a productive life by posting every event of my day". Seriously, if you were really doing something of high importance you wouldn't have time to think about posting infinite bulletins about insignificant activities. Why do you think people care? They don't. BLOGS: This is the slightly less annoying relative to a bulletin. I say this because, unlike a bulletin post, a blog post does not bombard your homepage as bulletins do. In order to see that someone posted a lame blog entry, you must access their boring profile first. A blog is another way to pollute the internet with monotonous, useless anecdotes about one's lack of a life. Again, no one cares. You can always rest assured to steer clear from blog entries, especially if the user falls into the following stereotypes and/ or categories: emo, gothic, high schooler, angst-filled, pseudo-intellectual, dramatic woman, complaining woman, etc. I recommend extreme caution to the "emo" stereotype. Such blog entries only provide mild humor with their immature musings on how life isn't fair, and how no one likes them. Oh yeah, and be prepared to endure horrible, horrible poetry. FRIEND REQUESTS: This is a way for a social reject to show the world they have a million friends. Let the race begin! There are no obstacles to stop you from adding the all the beautiful people of your dreams. Ironically, the joke is on you. Chances are, you will never meet these people in real life. They probably live many miles away and only talk to you superficially over the internet. Not to mention, they're probably like you, disguising their true (most likely appalling) appearance behind highly doctored photography. PICTURES and PICTURE COMMENTS: With all due sarcasm, this is possibly my personal favorite aspect of Myspace. I must admit there is humor in seeing how far people push the limits of their dignity in their personal picture collection. PICTURES: You know the drill, people usually like taking 30 shots of the same pose from slightly different angles. Trampy adolescent girls usually try to show their non-existant cleavage, followed by the typical attempt at a seductive facial expression. Great idea, genius, you are now making a pedophile's job all the more simple. In contrast, lame guys usually attempt to take pictures of themselves looking important, showing their less than mediocre chest, or drinking beer. Nice try, but I'm not impressed. I'm sure there is more I can say about pictures, but then again, I feel the nature of their meaning is quite obvious. When it all comes down to it, most pictures on Myspace read as a sad cry for attention. THE DESIRE FOR PICTURE COMMENTS: This one is an easy translation; you have low self-esteem. Get some confidence and stop bothering others to waste time looking at yourself posing the same way in 35 different pictures. COMMENTS: A way to get written gratification and/ or acceptance from all your equally pathetic "friends". I use the word "friends" loosely, since these are the people you'll probably never meet in real life. Comments are also another good way to prove an old enemy that people do like you. It's a satisfying slap in the face to anyone that ever doubted you. Usually morons like to flirt with one another via comment posting. Men are the most notorious for this pathetic charade. Wow, you've managed to flirt with a girl on Myspace, now let's try to talk to a girl in a real social setting. Oh wait, I forgot, that's the reason you created a Myspace profile in the first place. Hahaha. "ABOUT ME": The "About Me" section is another strategy to use in order to make your life sound more interesting that it really is. Most people insert mundane ramblings about their mediocre lives here. Expect cliche universal interests to be listed. The most common are, "I love to laugh." "I like to have fun". "I like all kinds of music!!" "I love to party!!" Another way to get people's attention is to capture the emo perspective in the "About Me" section. This usually includes phrases like, "I hate the world", "There is a lot of pain in my life, "No one understands me", "I just want to meet people that will accept me for who I am"... "I always think about suicide and my life is too much to bear"... blah blah blah. Hmm, I'm sure there is more to add, but I'm losing interest in writing this. Basically, there are two main types of obnoxious users on Myspace: Stupid men/ women attempting to find dates, and depressed kids looking for ego-boosts by constantly complaining and whoring out pictures of themselves every second of the day. When and how did the world become so populated with idiots?